So, I guess it is possible that some of the readers of reedymania.wordpress.com may not be fully aware of my summer travel plans. Which, OK, I get it…some of you may actually have lives, but I happen to know that lots of you don’t and I appreciate that. Maybe if you don’t have any idea where I am going, you should give yourself a big ole pat on the back for having some other hobbies and interests; although you are reading this now, so, you still have some work to do in a getting a life department . For those of you who know exactly where I am going and are only interested in reading about all the crash and burns encountered along the way, thanks for your support, hope I have lots of missteps along the way to keep you entertained. And for those of you who are just my cyberfriends (which I have NO problem at all with, as I make no bones about, I am fine having no actual face to face friends, it’s much easier to squeeze in my Toddlers and Tiaras marathons without having to have lunch and coffee with you-just text me or post on my Facebook wall if you need me) this is going to be kind of like Christmas for you (read…if your Christmas is full of one disappointing gift after another). You can follow along with bated breath and discover the new destinations I will be unveiling daily (read… hahahahaa! we all know that is not going to happen on a friggin daily basis, I am way too lazy to be on this computer every single day…but just for grins, as we head into this let’s just pretend it’s going to be a daily occurrence, ok??). If your Christmas (or Hanukkah or Kwanza) pales in comparison to a halfway crazy idiot writing down her every thought and posting it on her stupid blog, well then, this can still be fun for you… in kind of like a “Where in the World is Matt Lauer” vain; except with way more bad language, a way smaller budget and way less glamorous stops. I am sad to say that I do not have an NBC like budget; which damn…can you imagine the adventures I could have if I had a production crew and a private plane or 2 and Anne Curry and AL Roker as my side kicks?? Instead I’ve got a stinkin Surburban and Danny, Charlie, DJ and Will. It’s like apples to oranges, well, it’s not even apples to oranges, its like apples to polar bears . Matt Lauer may have the Taj Mahal and Machu Picchu; but has he ever been to Santa Claus, Indiana?? I bet you not. Screw you Matt; and NBC for that matter, well, except for Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin and the judges of the Voice- you guys keep it real and offer up real entertainment, much like that found here on reedymania.wordpress.com. It’s allgood, though, you play with the cards you are dealt. Although as Kenny Rogers says, “you gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em”…and more often than not I do not have any idea when to fold. Which lucky for you makes for good blog material. On with the adventures…
I have never had a problem admitting that I am white trash or redneck or whatever your preferred moniker might be. Call me whatever you want, it’s not going to hurt my feelings. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me(side note I have never in my life had a broken bone which is practically impossible to believe considering that I am a total spaz and I hate milk, so pretty much my only source of dairy is ice cream, albeit pretty substantial…I surely have bones that are ready to snap at any given moment…ooooops, knock on wood- that could really spoil this little vacay being laid up with a cast). So it should come as no surprise that our car looked like this as we busted out of town. Shit piled on top, all over the inside and on the back.
A little tinge of deja vu, in rerealizing, as I did back when we were DRIVING through Canada over Spring Break: We are those people that I make fun of when I see them rolling down the road: imbeciles packed in a car with their entire existence strapped onto or around their car. Those people have problems; yeah, we are those people. Once again I am living it up in my glass house and I happen to like it there. It’s cozy. And I don’t plan on moving. No matter how many broken windows I have.
I want to keep you all interested and I don’t want to give away the final destination (our final destination, not the movie Final Destination, which I have never seen, but judging from the fact that it stars Ali Larter, I bet really sucks). I will disclose that our first leg (and my first blog entry) will end in Louisville, KY. That is very manageable, a mere 7 hours. No prob. And I had some big things in store for my family (and for you dedicated readers) during those 7 hours. I have invested a little time over the past few weeks (read…way too much time) in attempts to find some worthwhile roadside attractions. Like this:
Not even the world’s largest pencil, or even a real pencil for that matter,but cool…right? Yeah, you’re right not really even that cool.
They’ll remember this forever… I’m sure..in a haunting kind of way.
Seriously, can you imagine my family’s disappointment as we pulled up to this? And for those of you (read…other losers) who may be interested in a little road trip to see this fabulous sight or even better: following in my footsteps (you know,similar to how people trace the trail of the Civil War or the Underground Railroad or whatever other historical nonsense one may be interested …I promise that my trail may be a little less educational, but way more entertaining for sure) this little piece of America is located in Wytheville, VA. In front of some office supply place. Also worth noting, we visited this tourist extravaganza at about 8:45 AM and the place was not even open; not that I really needed any printer ink or thumb tacks, but still, I would have loved to support the place for supplying me with this priceless vacation memory. And judging from the nonbustling of the Wythevile downtown, they could take a little economic stimulus anyway they can get it, even if it is a $1.47 box of paper clips. Oh well, I tried.
And as if Wytheville did not bring enough tourism excellance…they have a hot air balloon themed painted water tower…awesome!
Back in the car, what could possibly follow these little gems up?
Ummmmmmmm, this little gem:
A pink elephant, in front of some random office, for some random reason. The kids and Danny really did try to hide their bewilderment as to why we were stopping at a giant pencil and then a pink elephant, but after years of being subjected to my randomness, they just went with it. However, as I was kind of able to capture in this photo, team morale was definitely not at its highest. But complaining was at a minimum, so I am happy, the only one in our white trash mobile happy, but I am OK with that. We had now driven a whole 2 hours and had stopped twice: once for a pencil, and once for a pink elephant. Hmmmmmmmm- I can see the wheels turning (not our actual tire wheels, as they are still, while we brave the rain, yes rain-not captured in the picture, for this little photo op…the wheels in their little heads trying to figure out what in the world was going to be next, oh, for goodness sakes what what could be next?). So, for those who are planning their next trip a summary you will hit Wytheville and then make your way to Barboursville, WV. The elephant is right there on the main drag or pretty much the only drag, it’s not hard to find. Have fun. All I can say, is thank god I had some bigger stuff to end the day with (read…not much bigger, but no one knows that quite yet and after all, it is all relative).
Anyone who had the pleasure (read…displeasure) of knowing me between the years of 1992-1996 knows that one of my nearest and dearest friends through out college was a guy named Jim Beam. It was somewhat of an abusive/ unhealthy relationship, but the good times were good and the bad times were real bad. And as in any good abusive relationship, you forget about all the bad and just remember the good. So, by golly, if I am going anywhere close to where my precious Jim Beam hails from, we will be stopping. period. Danny had his doubts and we “discussed” whether or not this was an appropriate stop (read…he doesn’t like Bourbon and well, we already know how I feel about it). Next stop Clermont, KY. The bad (or maybe good) news about my previous overindulgence in bourbon is that I think my body has developed some sort of defense mechanism against it. Now don’t get me wrong, I can still enjoy the occasional Mint Julep and definitely a Whiskey Sour…but when I was trying to throw back the samples at our tasting, I just couldn’t do it and I tried, hard. But I think I may have actually gagged and it definitely burned the shit out of my throat and made my eyes water, or maybe those were just tears at the realization of my body turning against me. I guess it has had too much bourbon not only gone down, but come back up, and it has decided: no more. Maybe I should applaud the fact that my body knows the damage that has been done and is trying to minimize further, irreversible damage; but, if you had told me 15 years ago that I would leave multiple shot glasses of free bourbon basically untouched, I would have punched you in the throat.
From the looks of this robust gentleman who is something like the 23rd generation master distiller, blah, blah...good thing I gave up on my bourbon habit
You know how I love, love, love staying in a nice hotel…and lucky for us there is a cool spot in downtown Louisville that came highly recommended by a friend, so… Hello 21c Hotel and your room service and high thread count sheets, thanks for having us; but next time, maybe a little heads up on the nude art extravaganza you are going to subject us to.
Remember what happened to me back at the Royal Ontario Museum? And all that porn that was going on there (if not take a little initiative and hit up the reedymania.wordpress.com archives…see Toronto)? Well, let’s see what kind of eye candy you get at the 21c Hotel check in:
Really?
Yes, those are naked, what appear to be anatomically correct kids...nice touch
Well, the Hotel 21c also just so happens to double as some sort of art gallery…which just so happened to not only be featuring a lot of nude art, but also a display dedicated to men in drag. Which as I was attempting to culture the kids on the fine arts, we found ourselves smack dab in the middle of. Well, isn’t this perfect? I am getting ready to put art right there with history in the “lame as shit” category. hmmmmm, how do you explain the hows and whys of drag to boys aged 11,9,7??? Well, you don’t…you just start yelling at them for no real reason and get them to a separate wing of display ASAP. And then change the subject to some sort of sports and you are golden. Then you eventually get your ass on the elevator and go up to your floor, only to be welcomed by this outside the elevator on Floor 2:
Naked dude and masked horse...just great. ART...whatever.
OMG, there is no escape, so much for trying to be hip. Maybe Holiday Inn Express is a better option for us. Lesson learned
After that thrill filled day, it was 8:30 and we were all in bed and I’ll be damned, but we were all asleep by 9:00. That’s what I call good stuff. Even better, come 9:00 the next morning, I was the only one awake. I guess everyone was readying themselves for another thrill filled day. Pink elephants anyone???
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